Post by HOPE on Apr 19, 2007 21:26:19 GMT -5
Survival after abuse: moving on
When the violence is finally over - you have arranged all the practical things like housing, money, schools for the children, and you feel reasonably sure that your abuser has stopped harassing you - you may be expecting to feel great. But that is unlikely to happen right away. Recovering from abuse by someone who was close to you is a long process, and the damage may stay with you and or your children for years.
Once you are away from the abuse, and it is safe to feel again, you may have a sense of anti-climax. You are likely to experience grief, pain and a deep sense of loss: your trust will have been betrayed, your self-esteem and confidence are shattered, healing will take time.
Don't rush the healing process, and don't expect to achieve everything you want right away. Maybe you want to make huge changes - by changing your whole lifestyle, joining local organizations, returning to education, looking for another job. This is all fine if that is how you are feeling, but if you don't want to change anything else at this point, that is fine. It's good to have hopes and ambitions for the future, but try to set realistic goals and move at your own pace, rather than being concerned about what others might be thinking.
You may feel lonely and isolated: sometimes when you come home to an empty house or flat, it might seem that even an abusive partner was better than no one. Perhaps your partner cut you off from friends and family, so now you feel there is no one you can talk to or go out with. It may not be too late to re-establish contact with past friends - and in any case, you can think about making new friends and acquaintances.
Some of the things you might like to do:
Take time and space for yourself each day.
Do something you enjoy and are good at.
Learn a new skill
Be creative: try drawing, painting, writing.
Just try to get as much relaxation as you can
It's very important to eat well and to get enough sleep.
Living with someone who is always putting you down, criticising you, controlling you and being abusive or violent towards you will have sapped your self-confidence and your belief in yourself. You may find it hard (or impossible) to make decisions, even about small things - because your abuser did not allow you to make choices for yourself. You may find managing money very difficult: maybe your ex-partner controlled all the household finances; you are probably having to manage on a very limited income; and perhaps you had to leave behind many of your personal possessions.
You have already taken a huge step in leaving your abuser. Give yourself credit for that. Then think of all the other things you have achieved in your life, and build up a mental list that you can return to when you are feeling low.
You may find it helpful to talk about your experiences with other women who have also been in violent relationships. If you are not already in touch with your local Women's Aid refuge organisation or outreach service, you may find it helpful to contact them now, to see whether there is a support group in your local area that you can join or start one up yourself.
When the violence is finally over - you have arranged all the practical things like housing, money, schools for the children, and you feel reasonably sure that your abuser has stopped harassing you - you may be expecting to feel great. But that is unlikely to happen right away. Recovering from abuse by someone who was close to you is a long process, and the damage may stay with you and or your children for years.
Once you are away from the abuse, and it is safe to feel again, you may have a sense of anti-climax. You are likely to experience grief, pain and a deep sense of loss: your trust will have been betrayed, your self-esteem and confidence are shattered, healing will take time.
Don't rush the healing process, and don't expect to achieve everything you want right away. Maybe you want to make huge changes - by changing your whole lifestyle, joining local organizations, returning to education, looking for another job. This is all fine if that is how you are feeling, but if you don't want to change anything else at this point, that is fine. It's good to have hopes and ambitions for the future, but try to set realistic goals and move at your own pace, rather than being concerned about what others might be thinking.
You may feel lonely and isolated: sometimes when you come home to an empty house or flat, it might seem that even an abusive partner was better than no one. Perhaps your partner cut you off from friends and family, so now you feel there is no one you can talk to or go out with. It may not be too late to re-establish contact with past friends - and in any case, you can think about making new friends and acquaintances.
Some of the things you might like to do:
Take time and space for yourself each day.
Do something you enjoy and are good at.
Learn a new skill
Be creative: try drawing, painting, writing.
Just try to get as much relaxation as you can
It's very important to eat well and to get enough sleep.
Living with someone who is always putting you down, criticising you, controlling you and being abusive or violent towards you will have sapped your self-confidence and your belief in yourself. You may find it hard (or impossible) to make decisions, even about small things - because your abuser did not allow you to make choices for yourself. You may find managing money very difficult: maybe your ex-partner controlled all the household finances; you are probably having to manage on a very limited income; and perhaps you had to leave behind many of your personal possessions.
You have already taken a huge step in leaving your abuser. Give yourself credit for that. Then think of all the other things you have achieved in your life, and build up a mental list that you can return to when you are feeling low.
You may find it helpful to talk about your experiences with other women who have also been in violent relationships. If you are not already in touch with your local Women's Aid refuge organisation or outreach service, you may find it helpful to contact them now, to see whether there is a support group in your local area that you can join or start one up yourself.